The People's Chemist

Child Abuse Caught on Film

Who is the Retard Parent who Packed this Lunch?

This top-secret photo is courtesy of a close friend who blogs at

She recently attended a pre-school lunch, snapped the photo and posted it.  Disgusted, I instantly wrote this remedy to Bad Parents who overdose their kids on sugar.

I’ll admit, this remedy is gonna be ugly. But such controversy ensures that you tell your friends in disgust – or delight – and prevent future crimes against our youth.  And by writing this, it prevents me (I hope) from going Rambo and spraying the food industry (and Bad Parents) with high-caliber bullets.

Based on The People’s Chemist Death by Sugar Calculator, the recipient of this sack lunch faces morbid obesity at age 12 and diabetes at 21. The remedy: A People’s Chemist Citizens Arrest of the Bad Parent who packed it.

That’s right. I’d hog-tie the parent with some garbage ties and arrest ’em. I’ll send little Johnny off to a healthier lifestyle – the carnival will suffice here. Carnies prolly eat less sugar. Bad Parent #1 will go directly to The People’s Chemist Boot Camp.

Day one: Wake up to me as drill sergeant. I’ll rise from my slumber and go from academic, compassionate (sometimes), Live Young chemist to testosterone driven, unforgiving animal (I’ll skip breakfast and swallow my potent testosterone boosting eurycoma longifolia pills). Bad Parent will be forced to eat and drink their body weight in juice, sugar cubes disguised as fruit bites and go-gurt. Upon completion, it’s time for exercise.

This won’t be the comfortable, but effective, PACE exercise courtesy of Dr. Al Sears MD. No, I’m talk’n about a 30 minute, Mixed Martial Arts warm-up; guaranteed to make collegiate athlete’s puke, and Bad Parents wish they were dead. They’ll beg for water. Ill “Go-Green” and rip off my shirt like the Hulk and deny their dying wish (it feels good, I’ve tried it). After all, little Johnny hasn’t had water in weeks. Why should they. I won’t wait for their lame excuses; I’ll move on to making them read.

Reading won’t consist of People Magazine. It will be based on Bad Parent’s IQ – Dr. Suess will suffice. Then it’s time for a book report. When Bad Parent can’t regurgitate the 10 pages in written form, I’ll bring on the amphetamines disguised as ADHD meds! Unlike little Johnny’s school nurse, I’ll offer a choice: Swallow it or sniff it.

Every good – pharmaceutical fellatio giving – physician knows that if you can’t learn in school then you must be ADHD; never mind the shit, death by sugar meals packed by your dumbass parent. And if you read the headlines in your paper or watch TV, you know that all you have to do to get your "fix" is ask your friendly, family doc if the meds are "right for you."

Forget choice. I force Bad Parent to sniff their meds. This guarantees that they quickly experience the same future of little Johnny – intelligent human to speed freak.

Pull your head out of your ass and you’ll see that today’s ADHD prescribing habits have given rise to a new drug epidemic, with ADHD meds displacing speed.

The side effect is becoming what the New York Times has termed an epidemic of "speed freaks." Users often express erratic, psychotic or aggressive behavior. A wave of addiction, overdose and alarming side-effects are possible; from spraying schoolmates with bullets to an Arizona man lopping his son’s head off with a dull hunting knife. All of these side effects have been known since amphetamines were first used in World War II by Nazi fighter pilots.

But, I don’t care so much about this. My testosterone is kickin’ and little Johnny is living a healthier life chasing cotton candy and hot dogs with bottled water. So I force a heavy dose and walk away.

If Bad Parent can wipe their mouth of saliva foam – indicative of overdose – and walk away, they graduate PC Boot Camp. And God save them if I see ’em commit the same crime twice…I’m off to buy my wife flowers for being such an amazing, minimum-sugar feeding Mom.

About the Author

Shane Ellison

My name is Shane “The People’s Chemist” Ellison. I hold a master’s degree in organic chemistry and am the author of Over-The-Counter Natural Cures Expanded Edition (SourceBooks). I’ve been quoted by USA Today, Shape, Woman’s World, US News and World Report, as well as Women’s Health and appeared on Fox and NBC as a medicine and health expert. Start protecting yourself and loved ones with my FREE report, The 5 Deadly Pills Checklist.

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