The People's Chemist

~RE: [email protected]#K Almond Milk (And Dr. Oz.)

I’m stunned.

People have been drinking almond milk for years and never bothered reading the label!?

This level of apathy, ignorance, and laziness is beyond anything I’ve ever thought possible…

Just today, in response to the email I sent with subject line “[email protected]#K Almond Milk,” thousands of readers emailed me asking for the alternative to almond milk — as if it’s a food group they need to replace.

Are you kidding me? That’s like an alcoholic dying of liver failure asking, “What whiskey should I replace Wild Turkey with?”

I really didn’t go to college and graduate school (on scholarship) to teach people how to read fucking labels.

It’s not that hard. You put your phone down. Grab the product. Flip it over. Then skip over the nutrition facts and scroll down to “Added Ingredients.”

Watch the magic happen.

It’ll be like cracking The Babington Plot.

Similar to revealing the plan to assassinate Queen Elizabeth, the true agenda will unfold. (They’re fucking LYING about the almonds being healthy. It’s all about poisoning you with sugar!)

You can do the same for Vitamin Water, Gatorade, Kombucha, Coconut Water, Soy Milk, Vitamin D Milk, Fortified Milk, Rice Milk…basically any shit that’s a liquid, carries a health claim, and is sold at Whole Foods.

All of it is garbage with added cane sugar, artificial flavors, artificial sweeteners, and much more…

Every year in Santa Monica, the beverage manufacturers fly in on their private jets to discuss how they swindled the masses into buying their sickening sweet beverages.

I attend. My name tag always reads “Eric Blair.” When people ask me what I do, I inform them I’m just a pilot learning about the beverage industry.

Since I’m too nice, I punch nobody…

I sit quietly and listen to how these beverage-fucks add sucralose, aspartame and cane sugar in just the right amounts to optimize “mouth feel,” so consumers — especially kids — buy more…

…the Sparkling Ice guys are there. Cow Wow guys…Coconut guys…Kombucha hippies…Juice dorks….

The whole circus is always in attendance, eager to stroke each other’s egos and be included in the popularity contest.

At lunch, you get to break and speak to these boneheads personally. At “hello,” you realize they couldn’t find a table of contents in a chemistry book if their life depended on it.

For them, it’s all about the money. Like selling a van to a molester, they’re always winning in the sales department thanks to artificial addiction created via “mouth-feel.”

(I secretly want to choke them with a bottle of water and ask, “How good is that mouth-feel now motherfucker?”)

…The only company worth mentioning is Zevia. Led by Paddy Spence, the entire crew is intelligent, honest and humble. And it shows in their products.

Otherwise, the entire health food industry is a ruse designed to hook you on the latest blend of sickening-sweet liquid, courtesy of chemical engineers and beverage marketers.

That includes almond milk!…which means, there’s no alternative! You think almond milk is enhancing you with some fucking super power? (Well, it sure as hell isn’t reading!)

The only thing almond milk enhances is FAT STORING HORMONES.

You want an alternative for that?

Go drink Monster.

Otherwise, stick to spring water, organic coffee, tea, and raw milk.

(If you can’t drink raw milk, well then, don’t fucking drink it! You don’t need a replacement!)

Anything else other than truly natural beverages are just raising your blood sugar. When that happens, your fat burning hormones are squashed!

Your testosterone crashes! Your brain registers all this as being satiated (full). Then you start skipping meals. And once that happens, you miss out on key nutrients.

At that point, you might as well call it quits, go to Vegas, let your face attack the nearest buffet, go snort a few lines of coke, dance your ass off at a strip club and call it good…’cause in time, sugary-sweet health beverages do the exact same thing for your health: nothing.

Here’s the quick fix. I promise! It’s a totally natural blend of true cinnamon and milk thistle that practically erases all the stupid shit you’ve eaten (and drank) over the years, and repairs your body one cell at a time…

If you’re a crackhead or dutifully swallowing 10 prescription meds, then you can still take this to help you crawl back to some semblance of health:

But hurry, because I don’t make a ton of bottles…obviously, I’m not selling to the masses here…I just can’t conform.

In fact, when Dr. Oz producers called to invite me to their show, I failed…I failed to pretend I gave a fuck. I failed to act like it would be great for my business. I failed to play the dutiful role of guest and jump as high as they wanted me to…All I could do was say, “Give me a fucking break. Fuck you guys,” and hang up.

But hey, I’m still selling the best shit online: Take Cinnergy and help your hormones and liver rebound! Give it a week and you’ll see better mental alertness, lower blood sugar and less cravings:

Don’t email me complaining that I’m sold out of Cinnergy just because you hesitated: – super inexpensive, super effective, and you can still take if you’re a drug addict! Perfect! See Get the sugar in check, clean the LIVER!!!!!

About the Author

My name is Shane “The People’s Chemist” Ellison. I hold a master’s degree in organic chemistry and am the author of Over-The-Counter Natural Cures Expanded Edition (SourceBooks). I’ve been quoted by USA Today, Shape, Woman’s World, US News and World Report, as well as Women’s Health and appeared on Fox and NBC as a medicine and health expert. Start protecting yourself and loved ones with my FREE report, 3 Worst Meds.


The People’s Chemist provides these articles for information only. They are not meant to provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment, and do not replace professional medical advice from a medical doctor. I am not a doctor and would only “play doctor” if I was with my wife. In fact, I have not even read Grey’s Anatomy.

* Every testimonial on this site is true and correct as submitted by active customers. Their results are individual cases and do not at all guarantee that you will get the same results. Results vary widely and there is nothing that works 100%.

** These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration FDA. Products sold by The People’s Chemist are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical disease. They are not approved by FDA.

Information provided by The People’s Chemist is intended for your general knowledge only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. If you want more detailed information, read Over-The-Counter Natural Cures Expanded. Also, always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or emergency.

The information on this website is not intended to diagnose you, treat you, cure you or prevent any disease. Never disregard medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this site. Product sold on this site are for personal use and not for resale.

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‡ Recent media coverage and scientific publications has focused on the ingredients generically, not the individual products that contain those ingredients.

† Individual results may vary

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